I'd rather be...

Alone

'Coz I'm different from everything different

Not sad

'Coz I'm not the only one different here

Expectation

noun
1 [C usually plural] when you expect good things to happen in the future



Just killing expectations for a while

Breakable

All my dull life I’ve tried to fight a powerful inclination to disasters, personal disasters I mean and it worked quite well; But it was also the cause of a rigid and image-only appealing life, I grew harder on it, trying to look as if I had been practicing ballet for long years, dancing to avoid mistakes like falling, down, apart or even in love.

Now somehow I’ve realized that being breakable is not that bad, it’s a gift actually; finding its gracefulness made room for other things I’d also considered a bound to be broken away from me. Now I have room for relying and willing to be protected, I still struggle though but it’s getting better.
I wander nowadays, what it takes to be myself and what be myself really mean. Be aware of mistakes, smile at my own foolishness or simply to reboot?
He, was, right! “The more I see, the less I know”.

It feels like learning how to walk the tightrope, praying in the songs, rushing through the hours, not sleeping, fragile and blind. Is it too much or too little, now, for a breakable soul?
And from times to times I feel cozy in the arms of: Not knowing.

For now, I only hope to find a quote that says: “Breakable people find love at ease”.

11/03/09

When does life start?
When things begin to happen? Or when you start meeting new people?
I’m sensing that my life has only started a few years ago, when I was 23, to be exactly.
Everyone has their manners and persistence, I, particularly feel like freedom is the air I breathe; And that reality is nothing but imagination to keep control of things.

When I was 23, I took pretty seriously the meaning of freedom and stepped out of my parent’s cozy home, before that, the only freedom I knew was called: Money.
It must have been a teenage thing, at first, I thought I could buy freedom then I moved to beauty and at last, love.

At first glance, it was all an overwhelming dream; I was living out of reality and appreciating it like an ice cream in hot days. But soon as the problems started to pour out like the damn rain in that place, I foresaw the low tides I was supposed to bear in the name of love, that love, money thought it could buy.

Does life start when you see yourself without a helping hand? Being a woman in need and a man for your own need; No one to help get through the night and even the days, you prayed to pass by as breeze when you ask for it.
Between the slightly happiness freedom would offer and devastating loneliness of a place to call my own, a family that is not there, my old one and the new one; There was a woman who couldn’t pay the bills and therefore neither happiness anymore, there was a child counting the inches of value that a simple hug might have had. I was alone.

Does life start when you start figuring out things in the dark? It feels like moving in a whole-furnished room in the dark, move your hands before your body so you won’t trip over the nightstand. Paying the highest fee any human being can afford, it came to my sense the significance of small things and not I’m talking about being fond of a sunset, simply; But a smile where there shouldn’t be a smile, a juxtaposition stamped on an unforgettable face.

Placebo

Um momento feliz,
Para esquecer toda a tristeza do passado.